David Johnson

If we cannot keep ourselves in balance physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually we cannot hope to function from a center of well-being.
~ Thrive: The Highly Sensitive Person and Career, by Dr. Tracy Cooper, PhD

It is 6:30pm and I have still not made the bed today. That is an unheard of thing for me. I usually can’t get on with my day if I know the bed has not been made. The front door has not been unlocked since I locked it last night - I have not been outside today.

About twenty minutes ago the sun set and once that happens here in Hawaii, because of our proximity to the equator, it gets dark quickly.

​Today has been a self care day for me. I woke up not long after 6:00am, not an unusual time for me, but I woke feeling deeply weary - something that is much more than just being tired. It is a feeling of exhaustion that just eats through to my bones. It is brought on by me pushing the limits of my personality as a highly sensitive person. The wise thing to do is to learn what the triggers are that tire me and dial back life a bit so as not to wear myself out. Most of the time I do that, but when I don’t or choose to push on regardless, eventually deep fatigue sets in. That is what I woke up to this morning.

I am by myself at the moment. My wife is visiting her mother on the other side of the country. Other family are also off the island and I had no plans for Sunday. As I lay in bed waking up I could hear rain outside and knew that more was forecast for the rest of the day. Cool temperatures, at least for Hawaii (low 60’s early 70’s), were also on the table. So with that I chose to turn over and doze for an hour longer.

The rest of the day has been taken equally slowly. I stayed in bed until noon - had breakfast, read. At lunchtime, once I was showered I did my meditation practice and then went back to bed for an hour’s sleep. A show on Netflix took up another hour of the afternoon.

I’ll cook myself some dinner this evening and then will finally venture out to put the trash out for tomorrow morning’s early collection.

I share this experience as I believe that introverts and those with sensory processing sensitivity (highly sensitive people) need to make their own self care an important part of their lives. HSP’s, because of their depth of cognitive processing and hypersensitivity to external stimuli, can find situations that others breeze through extremely exhausting. Peer or family pressure might have you feeling that you just need to suck it up and keep going, but sooner or later your body will wave a white flag and you’ll have to stop. As Dr. Cooper says in the quote above, HSP’s need balance in their lives for their own well-being. Try to identify what it is that are your triggers. Set boundaries for yourself and learn to say “no” to that which pushes you too far. Where possible educate others about your personality so that those who you spend time with, at work and home, understand and support you.

I still feel a weariness now. I am hoping that a good night’s sleep will help, I have an early start tomorrow. If am still tired tomorrow, I’ll take next week step by step, pacing myself. Regardless, I am very pleased that I have just stayed at home today, rested and allowed myself to do no more than necessary. Psychologically, just giving myself permission to stay at home and do nothing is a big boon in helping me rest.

​As introverts and/or HSP’s I hope that you find, indeed make the time that you need to rest.

I recently returned from a visit to Japan. It was not my first visit to Asia, but my first visit to Japan. In my readings about introverts and HSP’s, I have heard it said that there is more acceptance of quieter, sensitive personalities in Asia. I would concur on that in the countries that I have visited - India, Nepal, Tibet. I’ve always put it down to their society’s support of contemplative traditions.

For someone to dedicate their lives to a spiritual search in these countries is quite normal. The quieter, more reflective are a norm.

Japan was new to me. Apart from some of its design aesthetics - garden design, Ikebana - and Zen Buddhism, I knew little about the country. I found myself visiting the country to accompany my wife on a business trip. I did little research before landing in the country and so what was ahead of me for the next two and half weeks was going to be a complete surprise….and what a wonderful surprise it turned out to be. Japan got under my skin in a very good way. I am under no illusions that such a short visit, along with not being able to speak the language, is going to get right into the bones of the culture. But trusting my experience and intuition, I’d like to share an aspect of the country which I believe goes towards making Japan such a comfortable place for the quieter, more sensitive folk.

The People of Japan

There was a graciousness, gentleness and humility that I experienced from the Japanese people. Initially I wondered if it was simply because I was a tourist, looking to be kind and welcoming to the visitor. But with time it became apparent that that was not the case. The act that caught my eye were the welcomes, the greetings and farewells. Walking into a hotel, store or restaurant being greeted by “いらっしゃいませ”, ”Irasshaimase” and a nod of the head. Similarly approaching people ahead of a business meeting, or being welcomed into the privacy of someone’s home - you were greeted with a bow. Departures are the same, the bow. It felt so much more than just a recognition or another variation on the handshake.

The Bow

A bow causes a stop and a seeing of the other person. To recognize the gratitude for them being there and what they give to your life, whether that be friendship, a customer, an opportunity to serve. It is a pause and a seeing of the humanity in that person, the common bond that you share with them, the wisdom experience that they have to offer. That stopping and seeing of someone lessens that predominance to judgment. There is acceptance. Such attitudes are the birth place of patience, respect and humility. Generations old and it can change a society.

By withholding judgement and seeing the other, we can allow our perceptions of them to be less important than what they are bringing, what they have to offer. While studying for my Masters at Naropa University we would start each class, sitting in a circle, with a deep breath and a bow to the center of the circle - to the collective wisdom in the room, and also to each person’s individual wisdom. Indeed, when we were not in class but engaging in the online element of the program, we were encouraged to bow as we sat in front of the computer - sounds odd doesn’t it? But we were imaging our classmates online, whether they were or not, and bowing to them and their wisdom. Try that before you next log onto Facebook!

So what does this have to do with introversion?

My sense of the people of Japan was a softness, a graciousness, and a patience to see and hear those with whom they were interacting with. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that no one is seen and heard in the West, of course not, but I do believe that there is generally a harsher, more aggressive nature to life with less patience in the West. And this is not to idealize a culture. I have read about incidents that run counter to my observation. But I would suggest that they are the exception rather than the rule. For all the crowds that there are in Japan, for me as an introvert and HSP the country felt easy and comfortable to be in. There was a comfortableness that allowed the mind to rest and be at ease…and while there is no doubt much more about the culture that contributes to this, I believe that the bow plays its part.

Your turn

Try it in your own way. Stop and mentally recognize someone before you engage with them. Stop and offer a mental bow and welcome - no words need be said, no visible action engaged in - just make it a practice to see the other. 

• See your life irreparably wrapped up in their well being.
• Now expand that out to everyone in your street, town, country, … and imagine if they were all doing the same to those who they met.
• I might have joked about it above, but try a quiet bow before your social media time.

Use this as an exploration. Try it from time to time and see how it impacts you.

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night"
~ Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel

​Solsbury Hill is an Iron Age Hill Fort to the East of the city of Bath in England. From the lyrics of this well-known song we know that Peter Gabriel is on the Hill with the darkness of night surrounding him. I imagine him standing up there by himself looking out from the Hill’s peak, shrouded in darkness, anonymous to everything around him, gazing down on the lights of Bath. As you read on in the lyrics there is a sense that he has gone up there to be by himself and reflect.

The darkness around him affords him the solitude that he wants.

Gabriel’s song came to me a couple of weeks ago when I went up to the summit of Haleakala, one of the two volcanos that make up the Hawai’ian island of Maui. In an hour and a half you can drive from sea level to the summit of Haleakala at 10,000ft+. For me it is “the other” side of the natural forces of Hawai’i. You sit on the rocks and cliffs that go out into the ocean and you are sitting on a lava flow that centuries ago grew this island, these islands into the what they are today. The size of the volcanoes and the forces that grew the Hawai’ian islands, indeed continues to grow some of them, is humbling.

So that evening on top of Haleakala I could see across to the summits of Kilauea and Mauna Loa on the Big Island. As night fell the lights from that island’s towns became visible 30 miles away across the ʻAlenuihāhā Channel. With the sun down the temperature fell quickly - it was freezing and the wind chill ate through my clothes. People up there for the sunset started to leave to head back down the mountain, and apart from car headlights, discernible figures and objects slowly merged into the darkness. The lights of Maui townships became visible through the cloud, which I was above, and in the sky above the stars and Milky Way slowly revealed themselves. Satellites and pieces of space debris tracked across the sky. Comets burnt up on their passage through our atmosphere. With plenty of clothes and coats on, and a blanket wrapped round me, I just wanted to be up there and take in the experience - the silence, the isolation and detachment of the night, the raw experience of nature in this wild space…but there was also the image that Gabriel created in Solsbury Hill and the reminders that that brought me of similar situations in my own life.

There are times when I find something deeply comforting in being able to look out on the world with a sense of complete anonymity. My introverted nature craves periods alone to rest, recharge and rebuild, but having that sense of anonymity afforded to me by the darkness of the night along with no electronic contact, Haleakala has little or no cell phone service, allows me to go deeper. Standing on the “Hill” that was Haleakala, I was not just shrouded in my blanket but also darkness, and within my secret and unknown presence I could sit and watch the world going on beneath me. For a couple of hours I was apart from it, free to rest in the quietness that the isolation afforded to me.

Knowing that I would not be disturbed, indeed could not be disturbed, let my level of rest and letting go of mundane concerns run deeper.

Looking down on the world I thought of the people heading out and enjoying their Saturday night, it was Halloween, being with the kids (trick-or-treating), others staying at home watching television, reading a book, sharing a dinner party. There were doctors and nurses working in hospitals, chefs and wait staff busy keeping customers fed in restaurants, others keeping us in water and electricity, the police keeping order, the homeless sleeping or watching all this with their own perspective that I can only guess at.

Looking down I could feel the busyness of the world and felt the relief to be away from it. To be able to wander into my own thoughts and musings without fear of being interrupted.

Retreat

The great spiritual and philosophical traditions hint at the importance of retreat - Jesus’ time alone in the wilderness, Buddha sitting in meditation under the Bodhi tree, Muhammad spending time in silence, prayer and retreat in the caves around Mount Hira. But we do not have to follow any such tradition to take part in and benefit from retreat time.

Retreat time is alone time where we disconnect completely from the outside world for a few hours, days or maybe even weeks. No phone, no electronic communication, no personal communication, no business…no nothing. A place where the noise and worry of everyday life can be allowed to settle, like a glass of muddy water. The noise might still be there in the back ground, but not stirred up by life’s busyness it is given the space to take a rest, and with it afford you rest from it.

One thing you find with a complete disconnection is how the world gets on perfectly OK without you. Don’t worry, you can catch up later.

The complete disconnection allows you a deeper recharge and rest, and time to reflect on that which you want to. Maybe you are looking for time to be creative, time to just be, or time to just rrreeessstt.

Look for opportunities to build retreat times into your life. Timetabled into your life - twice a year, once a month, for a few hours or few days - will add to their power. You are giving yourself permission to take this time off, and you know so in advance. No last minute frenetic plan making, but more of a wined down towards your retreat. The mind starts to calm down laying a foundation for your time alone. Involve family and friends in your plans for added support before, while you are away and once you get back (you don’t want to walk in the door and be deluged with demands and requests). Also build in a plan for if you do need to be contacted. Then breathe, thank all concerned for their encouragement and head off.

If you take retreat time already, what does it look like? If this is something that you would like to build into your life, what do you need to do to make it happen?

When looking at my life as an introvert and HSP, I can spend a lot of time gazing into the rear view mirror. Why? Because for the greater part of my life I had no formal reference point with which to frame how I have felt in different situations. While growing up my heart knew what I wanted, what I felt comfortable with, how best I worked, the outside world gave me different messages. ​

Listening to my heart was not something that I was brought up to do, and so to a greater and lesser extent - I didn’t completely ignore the messages that I was receiving - I went with what I thought society wanted. So although my heart said one thing - see, I was listening - the outside world said something else and I would pathologize how it was that I was feeling…”there is something in me that needs to be fixed,” I started telling myself. My approach to being in the world was wrong.

If you have spent time in your life not having a reference point for your introversion and sensitivity, it can badly undermine your self-confidence. Even if you are reading about the strengths and qualities of introverts, you’ll find yourself questioning and doubting. Transforming your past experiences, looking at them with fresh perspective can be helpful in moving forward. Look on those past experiences as compost, as the birth place for new outlooks and fresh ideas. This way the trials of the past become the genesis of a new you.

That’s not to say that things will change overnight, most likely they won’t. The Buddhist tradition that I have trained in emphasizes the importance of hearing, reading and understanding the meditation practices before engaging in them. It might sound obvious, why do something before knowing about it? All the same sometimes we don’t look before we leap and excited enthusiasm can get the better of us. Even if we do spend time studying, it is easy to mistake that intellectual understanding for having the subject licked. All too quickly, and rudely, we  discover that what we have just read about is not manifesting in our personality however much it resonated with us. The compassionate feelings that welled up in us while reading about the subject, appear to be the last thing that we are feeling right now after that put down!

It is very easy to get an intellectual understanding but there is another stage…bringing the understanding to our heart and integrating it within ourselves. Making it a part of who we are.  It takes time and patience, and ultimately an understanding of and compassion for ourselves. As the saying goes, old habits die hard, and what we are asking ourselves to do is to change the habits of how we see and experience ourselves.

The View from My Mirror

So for me it has been a gradual process. Even now I find myself reading articles about introversion and sensitivity, things that I understand and know, but now I see them in a deeper light than before because I have had the opportunity to integrate the understanding more into my own life.

So what does the landscape in the rear view mirror look like now with the benefit of my better understanding of introversion and sensitivity? Well the landscape hasn’t so much changed as I obviously can’t make the past different. What has changed is how I look on what is in the mirror and how I have integrated that into my daily life.

It might be that in places that rear view mirror is foggy. A lot of time has passed since my childhood, and so not all the stories are clear, it’s more just fleeting memories. I see quietness at times, having fun with friends. I see bullying, time spent in nature, enjoying time with family and I see inner conflict as I feel lost in what I perceived was expected of me. What learning about introversion has given me is  a smoothing out of the past road. It is now no longer a noisy presence from the past that hovers around me at times like a specter. It now has a quiet presence as it has been given context and is now held with compassion for the one who at times felt lost.

Making Choices

One time that I did choose to listen to my heart was after college. I packed a rucksack and hit the road for a couple of years. My heart was telling me to get some space and that felt like the best way to do it. Plans were there, but sketchy. Destinations were in mind, but I was on no itinerary and open to what might happen. I would be standing by the road hitch hiking, just me, my backpack and a destination in mind. Someone would pull over, pick me up and say that they were going somewhere else, normally somewhere part way to where I wanted to go. Did I want to come along with them, stay with their family, go camping with their friends,….?

We make plans, we have them set up in place, and then another opportunity presents itself. We take it and new experiences are had, new opportunities present themselves. Back in the hustle and bustle of everyday life that perspective can be lost, but opportunities are never far away if we look closely. We just have to be observant, listen and be ready to jump in when the occasion presents itself.

Where does this fit into my introverted nature?

The rear view mirror shows me a world that was. It has happened, it has past. With perspective I can now see myself standing by the road with choices as to how I act. Ultimately I can choose how I want that experience to be in my life now. It does not need to rule my life now, but looked on with the right perspective it can be helpful and inform where I go from here. I can look back with my better understanding of introversion now and give myself context for how I felt and compassion where there was pain. And with that new understanding I can stand stronger in myself now and the actions that I choose to take going forward.

I am forever standing beside the road with options as to which ride I take. One can read about how as an introvert your qualities make you a better listener or a better this or that, but your past life, your past habits can undermine your self-belief in what you are being told. So you fall back into old habits. You put yourself back in the cage - you want to be out of it, it is not very comfortable in there and you can’t breathe so well, but at least it is familiar. Instead trust in what you are reading, what you are hearing about your introvert strengths. Allow yourself to feel them in your heart. Next time you feel challenged remember that bit of advice that you read or heard and try it out. The ground could well feel shaky for you, but try it anyway. Once you have tasted the results of your work, you’ll have more faith in the advice that you read and be more willing to try it again next time that you are called upon to use it.

All the advice that you read and hear becomes yours when you have taken it from the page and made it a part of your own life.​

You will start to feel the efficacy and truth in what you are hearing and stand more firm in what you as an introvert and sensitive person are able to offer. You don’t stand any less than your extroverted friends and colleagues, having to shy away in the background with excuses, rather you stand alongside them with your complimentary skills and personality.

What does life look like for you in the rear view mirror? How have you managed that view with the benefit of your learnings around introversion and sensitivity?

I am not long back from a summer holiday visiting family and friends in different parts of the US and UK. Six weeks on the road. I have be away for much longer, much longer, but looking out from the perspective of pre-departure this felt like an exhausting trip before I had even taken off. Despite looking forward to seeing family and being back in England, this jaunt felt as though it would be busy - read, not much down time. This is not a good way to approach a trip abroad, expecting the worst…and in there lay the lesson, letting go.

For all the raised awareness around introversion that has emerged over the last few years following the publication of Susan Cain’s book “Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” and the online dialogue that now takes place everyday, introverts (and extroverts) must be careful that they do not fall into the trap of always expecting things to be the way that they want them. I am not suggesting here that we do not speak up and advocate for change and increased understanding where appropriate. I am also not suggesting that we go looking for trouble. But sometimes we do not get dealt the cards that we want and have to deal with the situation appropriately, i.e. not complaining, but as skillfully, patiently and as compassionately (towards and between all parties) as possible!

A question of balance

This can present a difficult dilemma of balance. In whatever aspect of our lives it is, we all have those moments when we reach our limit. The pot is full and we are struggling to maintain our composure and to function clearly. For me that can come when I have had just too much people input. I can’t detect the pattern here - time around some groups of people are fine, around others and the plug is eventually pulled out and my energy starts to drain away. I think that a lot of it has to do with what is going on and who I am with. So that dilemma of balance comes from on the one hand acknowledging a need to take a break, and on the other completely withdrawing from the world such that we become a stranger to those around us.

Having supportive friends and letting those around you know what your needs are is a big help. Do not be afraid of speaking to your needs. I recognize that at times that can feel easier said than done. Perhaps societal pressures make you afraid of what the consequences will be of speaking up - how will you be judged? Will you be put down (from which the way out can then seem further)? Or maybe other’s tolerance or understanding only goes so far?

So times can arise when you need to draw on other reserves until the downtime that you are craving becomes possible.

Seeking perfection

The Tibetan meditation masters warn us of procrastinating over our meditation and never getting round to sitting because we are constantly on the look out for “perfect” conditions in which to sit - completely quiet, the right time of day, temperature, smell, etc… Even the yogis who disappear off for years or decades of meditation in remote caves have to undergo all sorts of hardship - cold, lack of food, physical discomfort - but they stick with it because the end goal brings greater rewards.

While I was going to be afforded sometime to myself while I was away, there was definitely going to be a lot of time catching up with people, running around…fitting a lot into a short time. I would look to take quiet time to recharge where I could, but where not it was better to accept the situation and instead of expending energy resisting what I didn’t want, use other methods to recharge.

A verse from a 9th Century Buddhist text by the Indian scholar Shantideva speaks to this way of approaching the world,

Where would I possibly find enough leather
With which to cover the surface of the earth?
But (wearing) leather just on the soles of my shoes
Is equivalent to covering the earth with it.”

In ancient India and today the roads are hot, dusty and dirty and the holy men who have renounced the householders life wander those streets. The roads are uncomfortable to walk on. One could try and cover all the streets with leather…that would protect your feet but is wholly impractical. The other option is to put shoes on your feet.

Changing our attitude

This verse is speaking to how mentally we approach life. We could go out there and have all aspects of life set up just the way that we want them so that we do not have to deal with the difficulties. Imagine, every corner that you turn you find yourself being approached in exactly the way that you want, everything laid out just as you want it…all of the time. Wouldn’t that be comfortable…and I also sense a little boring? And of course this approach to life is just not possible.

So what is the other option? Change your mind. If you cannot change the physical world, change how you approach what the world presents to you. While our ideal for recharging might be a quiet room with a book, if that is not available to us, we still have ourselves. Instead of filling our head with dialogue such as, “I am tired and don’t want to be here,” we can rest our attention on the breath when we are not speaking. In the presence of others we can take time for ourselves.

If others are talking a lot while you just want to gaze out over some beautiful scenery, allow the talk to go on…but not your internal dialogue wishing things to be quiet. Keep a bare attention on the conversation should you need to respond, otherwise focus on what brings you joy - the view. Again, seek solitude in the presence of others.

Letting go

The world can be noisy, but sometimes we make it more noisy for ourselves with all our internal chatter that is complaining about what we don’t like. Let go of that chatter, let go of your resistance to what is going on, accept the situation for what it is (that does not mean that you have to like it) and give that space to recharging on the fly. Letting go is not a giving up. It is an honest assessment of the situation, an acceptance of what you can and cannot do, not fighting against that and basing your way forward on that reality. Do not be discouraged by the struggle to let go. It is a practice. It is about getting use to something new, a new way of working with a situation. The more that you get use to the ability and seek out methods that work for you to seek solitude in the presence of others, the more the viability of letting go becomes.

Through all of this remember to look after yourself, but also remember your friends and colleagues. If you disappear, they could be left wondering what is going on. Find that balance for yourself - on the one hand letting go and spending more time with others, on the other letting them know what your needs are and taking some time for yourself.

What techniques do you use to replenish your reserves when life is busy around you? How do you take in the view while others talk away in the background?

Every Thursday evening at a yoga class that I use to attend we started class by sitting in a circle, introducing ourselves, expressing any injuries that we had and then naming something that we are grateful for. Once while going round that circle a fellow Brit in the class expressed gratitude for the “Attitude of Gratitude” that had been installed in him through the Thursday evening class. Even when he was feeling a little down the Attitude of Gratitude was always available to him, opening up the world around him and lifting him out of his melancholy.

There is much to be grateful for each day, but it is very easy to go through life feeling as though our glass is half empty. The advertising industry in its effort to sell to us tells us that we don’t look right, don’t smell right, don’t wear the right clothes or drive the right car…and that the ever elusive happiness will be with us once we do change our appearance. A celebrity culture presents us with goals that most of us are unlikely to achieve, or a fantasy world in which to escape when our own lives become too much. With external pressures to conform to or being told our own interests are not cool, we can feel alone or unappreciated for who we are. The world of lack created by the media and advertising industry creates a hole in ourselves and society that we try and fill with external stuff, whether through the procuring of goods or running round chasing distractions that ultimately do little to satisfy us.

The Spiral

Developing an Attitude of Gratitude allows us to take ownership for who we are, reclaiming ourselves and our birthright. Through acknowledging that for which we are grateful the world no longer becomes a glass have empty, it is at the very least half full. Less and less do we dwell on the negative or the lack, we start to see the world through eyes of abundance. Joanna Macy speaks of the activist’s inner journey being made up of four successive stages, each interconnected and feeding the others, creating a spiral. These start with Gratitude.

1. Opening to gratitude,
2. Owning our pain for the world,
3. Seeing with new eyes,
4. Going forth.

More information about the spiral can be found here.

Joanna said that in the early days of her work, Gratitude was not a part of these stages. When I asked her why she decided to include Gratitude her reply was, “what else was there to do?”

The Benefits

The introvert’s world can be rich through spending so much time in our minds. Details are noticed of the world around us and this in turn fills our lives with an appreciation of its depth and diversity (by the way, I am not suggesting that extroverts do not also recognize this diversity). Counter to that though is the struggle that sometimes exists as introverts interact in an extroverted biased world. Expectations or judgements from others, based on a lack of understanding, can be tiring and also erode self-esteem and self-belief. Cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude can be a balm for being in this atmosphere. It helps to create perspective and remind you of what is really important, at the same time building resilience in yourself.

As we move towards the North American Thanksgiving Holidays, what are you grateful for? What Attitude of Gratitude are you cultivating today?

We have been experiencing some very windy weather here in the Pacific North West. Accompanied by some unseasonably cold temperatures, the wind chill has been cutting through everyone. The skies have been clear and the strong winds have given a clarity to the air, while at the same time making swift work of the autumnal job of removing the trees of their leaves - piles are accumulating along the sidewalk.

While out and about in this weather a short story that I first heard when I was a child popped into my mind. The tale has never left me. As a child I was struck by it’s message, for reasons that I didn’t understand at the time, but something in there just felt right. This time I decided to look up the story.

Having nowhere to reference the story and unsure of how well known it was, I reached for Google. It turns out that the story was one of Aesop’s fables. I found many versions of it online, and share one of those below. It’s relevance to introverts and the quiet leaders of this world is there clearly to be seen. I hope that you enjoy it.

The North Wind and The Sun

The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness.

“We shall have a contest,” said the Sun.

Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.

“As a test of strength,” said the Sun, “Let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man.”

“It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat,” bragged the Wind.

The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat.

Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat.

The sun grew slowly brighter and brighter.

Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.

“How did you do that?” said the Wind.

“It was easy,” said the Sun, “I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way.”

From my searches online, the message from the story is commonly articulated as, “Gentle persuasion is stronger than force.” If we were to substitute, as you might already have done, the wind as an extrovert and the sun as an introvert, we see a recognition in the story that quieter ways have their place in the world. The louder ones don’t always win.

Another version of the story has the sun acknowledging the power of the wind and its capabilities. I think that this addition is important and gives the message more strength. It is not a message of either/or but both/and.

But still, the important lesson is that in order to effect change, strength and ability can just as well rest with the quiet ones. Indeed at times, it is those to whom you should turn, though the manifestation of strength might not be what you were envisaging.

When I hear the word “warrior” I usually think of a fearsome character going off into battle, probably on horse back. Such a person appears to me as an ancient and noble figure, adorned in ornate clothes, and carrying some masterly crafted weaponry.

In this article I’d like to introduce to you to two other types of warrior. One is established and known within some circles. This warrior is motivated by altruism to battle the ignorance and suffering in the world.

The second type of warrior is one who has probably existed for centuries, but who I see emerging and gaining more prominence in this time.

In Mahayana Buddhism there exists the concept of the Bodhisattva. A Bodhisattva is one who has the bodhicitta mind. Etymologically bodhicitta is a combination of two Sanskrit words. “Bodhi” means “awakening” and “enlightenment.” “Citta” has the Sanskrit root “cit” which means “that which is conscious.” Bodhicitta is quite often translated as, “mind of enlightenment.” It is also referred to as an unusual mind. Why “unusual” - because very few beings have it. It is a mind that thinks of others before self. For most of us self normally shows up in the picture somewhere. How often do we offer of ourselves with absolutely no wish for anything in return?

The Bodhisattva is sometimes referred to as a warrior. Like other warriors, the Bodhisattva warrior goes into battle. This warrior is fighting against the delusional self-interest that causes so much pain to individuals and nations. To engage in this battle the Bodhisattva carries two weapons, compassion and wisdom. Compassion is that deep wish to see all suffering be removed from the world and to personally engage in the work required to alleviate this suffering. However, compassion alone is not enough. With only compassion there is the danger of burnout. The other weapon is wisdom, the insight to see into the true, interconnected nature of reality. The web of life that binds us all together. This is the root of all suffering. Like compassion, the weapon of wisdom cannot act alone. It is too cool, analytical. It needs the warmth of compassion.

It is with the Bodhisattva in mind that I see the emergence of another warrior in our midst. This warrior has a different, but no less important mission. Their mission is to enrich the world with the qualities that a quiet, but attentive mind offers. In a noisy world, this warrior reminds us of the value of silence, of observing closely, of listening deeply. I call this warrior the Silent Warrior. What weapons might the silent warrior carry? I’d like to suggest a few to you.

• Patience: The qualities of a quiet mind might take a while to take root in the world. During that time the silent ones might be misunderstood, not heard. The Silent Warrior is not deterred. They know that they have some something of deep value to give to the world and are prepared to wait.
• Persistence: With their rich inner lives, the silent ones have resources to draw on when the going gets tough.
• Listening: The Silent Warriors listen deeply, carefully, feeling no need to rush in with their opinions. They take note of what is being said and act accordingly.
• Relationships: For those with whom they connect, the Silent Warrior will build a close relationship. Not for them to run around and create shallow relationships. They will spend time with you, get to know you and see in what way they might be able to help.
• Leadership: Feeding off the last two items, as a leader the Silent Warrior will not force their opinion on their team. The Silent Leader will work collaboratively, listening to what others have to say, encouraging team members to offer and synthesize their ideas.

These five weapons are the principle ones that I have identified the Silent Warrior as carrying. Are there others that I have missed? Are you a Silent Warrior, gathering your weapons to bring your quiet presence to the world?

Life can be a game of give and take at times. We’d prefer things to be one way but for one reason or another we are called to meet the situation halfway. One area where this can be a real challenge is when our comfort zone is confronted. Unless resolution is strong to push through resistance, we’ll spew forth with reasons why we couldn’t, shan’t, are not able to show up.

As an introvert one area where this is particularly true for me is when I am in need of some silence and solitude. I have been through a particularly busy period and a window of opportunity to some quiet time alone opens up - I’m in! Like a glass of shaken up muddy water, my mind has hit overload and is yearning to allow the dust to settle. As the swirling mire of dirt particles start to come to rest in the glass of my mind, the noise in my head subsides and with that relief, comfort and deep nourishment start to envelope me.

This is all fine and I’m sure something that introverts can relate to, but perhaps they can also relate to,

• “When spending a heavenly weekend alone means that you’re missing out on time with friends,”
• “And you fear that by doing so, you are nearing ‘hermit’ status.” 

What about when the tug becomes between work needing to be done and the quiet recharge? The pull of quiet time becomes hypnotic. You start to feel the deep comfort wrapping itself around you like the ultimate comfort blanket. Hypnotized by the relief that the solitude gives us, we are sucked into inaction (and let’s not forget, rest as well) - friends go unseen, work languishes or at least is given less than our full attention.

Full time alone whether hour or a weekend has its place, but sometimes we need the click of fingers in front of our face to wake up and move into action. This is not about ignoring our introverted tendencies or becoming an extrovert, it is about adaptation. Adaptation in order to be in the world. To use words from the start of this post, it is about give and take.

Silence is golden for introverts, at least it is for this one, but I would guess that I am not the only one. As Susan Cain, author of  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking has said,

“Solitude matters, and for some it is the air that they breathe.”

So all the more so, when we are called to step away from that which feeds us so deeply, it is helpful to have a strong motivation to give us the strength to keep going when we would prefer to be elsewhere. I have written a little about this sort of motivation here, but in essence it is about stopping and reflecting on why you need to step out of this quiet zone. Perhaps it is because of connecting with friends who you value deeply and haven’t seen for a while? Perhaps it is to do with why you are attending this meeting or networking event, the importance of it to your work? Sit and be with your need to be elsewhere for a while, that reason for putting aside your comfort blanket. Let this motivation seep into you and it will lend fuel to your action. With strong resolve and give and take, we can more comfortably step out from under the spell of that silence.

Here are some suggestions for managing our needs against the needs of being in the world. The motivation is personal to you. Find it, be with it, and then embracing adaptation step into the world.

• Know that at least once a year, perhaps every few months (pick a time span that works for your life,) you will take a period of time to yourself.
• During a weekend alone, timetable your time. You might spend the afternoon with friends, but make sure that the evening is yours.
• At business events, give yourself a time that you will stay until. When you arrive explain that you have to leave at such and such a time. If you stay longer, so be it.
• Let people know what you are needing in your life so that they respect when you excuse yourself.
• At business gatherings and social events with friends set yourself a number of people who you will connect with. Spend time with those people. When you have hit your limit, unless you feel like staying longer, excuse yourself.

Have you caught yourself wrapping yourself in your comfort blanket? What strategies have you used for stepping out of your comfort zone?

When people ask what I do and I reply that I work with introverts I am surprised how often I hear back the comment, “I used to be an introvert, but…,” and the person then proceeds to explain how they managed to transform themselves. As I listen to them speak, I invariably get the sense that they feel as though they have overcome an impediment that was holding them back.

I believe that the statement and assumptions that underlie it arise out of a misunderstanding of what introversion is. I don’t doubt that the person who I have spoken to has overcome something that was holding them back, but I’m sure that what they have overcome is not introversion.

For me two assumptions are present in this statement. One, that introversion can be fixed, and two, that if you do fix it, i.e. are no longer an introvert, life will be better. Let’s examine these two assumptions.

First, introversion is not something that you grow out of. You either are an introvert or you are not. What you might be is shy, a social anxiety. This might overlap with your introversion, but it is not the same. Extroverts can be shy. Shyness is something that you can work on and with time overcome. Introverts have no problem meeting new people. They can show up for parties, even if their tendency is for more intimate gatherings. After a lot of socializing introverts find a need to retreat and recharge in their own company. Introverts who find social events draining can increase their capacity for social mingling. I’ve offered a couple of solutions in this article, however that does not take away who they are and their preference for quieter gatherings and time to refresh themselves.

This need for alone time is sometimes misunderstood as the person lacking confidence, being shy or a loner, i.e. something that is wrong with the introvert. Or, with the introvert moving away from the group, the group members can find themselves thinking that the introvert perceives that something is wrong with them. However this is not about anybody doing or thinking anything wrong, it is about the introvert doing what they need to do - take some alone time, some quiet time, to recharge, think, process. An introverts' mind is wired to need that solitary time. To take a more prosaic example, no one thinks twice if someone excuses themselves to go to the toilet. There is a need and someone is taking action to fulfill that need.

One could also look at the issue of overload. We all hit times when we just need downtime. Life - demands, noise, what we can deal with - just get too much and we just need to take a time out. For an introvert who spends a lot of time in their head, that threshold is lower than for extroverts. With a lot going on, perhaps at a party, the need to take some time away, leave early can cut in before others. As an introvert, though, I have been the last to leave a gathering on more than one occasion. The trick? Usually I have got into a conversation with one or two people - the party has just turned into a small gathering, much more manageable!

Moving onto the second issue, implicit in that assumption is that introversion is something that one would want to get over. That those who are introverts are in some way lacking; not bad people, but that their situation in some way puts them at a disadvantage - so look for ways to move on if you can. In listening to the person who asked me the question, I am always left with the feeling that the person feels as though their life has moved on to something better now that they are ‘no longer’ an introvert. From my side I am left with the unspoken question, “Why would anyone want to get over introversion anyway?” I believe that this simply comes down to misunderstandings, fed by cultural conditioning, of what works in the world today and the introverts place, or lack of in that world. To be born into a culture where the extroverted nature is dominant the message that one hears from a young age is that if you want to get ahead, you are better off being one way rather than another. However, with a third to fifty percent of the population being introverts, that is a lot of people to look down on, and probably includes family members, friends and work colleagues (you might be surprised to find out who the introverts are in your life). We both, extroverts and introverts, have skills, qualities and strengths that can benefit each other and the world in which we live in. Reaching out and exploring and learning about those strengths is a stronger and more beneficial place to come from.

So if you find yourself saying, “I used to be an introvert, but…,” catch yourself and ask yourself what it is that you feel you have overcome. You probably have grown in who you are as a person, but no longer being an introvert is not what has changed. You are either are an introvert and still are, albeit with different social skills, or never were in the first place.